Anyone miss me? I haven’t written in a while. I had a great summer with my son, spent time with my parents in the country, and have made great strides working my side hustles. I am on pace to be unemployed happy in January. For those of you who emailed, tweeted, shouted me out and left comments in my absence, I appreciate all of them. While I was gone, I found a new hero.

Everyone looks up to someone. I try to attach myself to people who are in some way doing better than me. No one is realer than me, but there are those who are smarter, funnier, wealthier, healthier and wiser. As a side note, there are no better drinkers.

I like to think that by surrounding myself with people who are moving up, in some sort of way, I am getting caught in their updraft. As my father says, you can’t hang with buzzards all night and expect to soar with eagles; while I routinely try to prove this theory wrong, I must admit there is a lot of truth in his statement.

Some people are clearly ahead of your station in life; others are clearly inferior. I have found that you can learn something from ALMOST anyone. There is a skill in finding admirable qualities in less than desirable people. I like to think that I have this skill.

Regular readers know how I feel about marriage; it’s a misunderstanding between two fools. That being said, I might get married again in my old age. I like to think that my next ex-wife will be born in December of this year.

I’ll be an old crusty bastard with couple of dollars to my name and a big swagger. I will be a Democrat and my new wife will be a 35 year old hotty with a nice rack that I may or may not purchase. I might even choose to live in the great state of Louisiana. I will be 74. That’s not a big feat; it happens all the time. But most of the guys who pull it off don’t have criminal records and they don’t convince hot chicks to marry them while they are still incarcerated.

That being said, my new hero is one Edwin Edwards. Some guys just have it. Get like him.

Hi hater,

I see you. You are noisy, obnoxious and jealous. You cringe when you see me and can’t stand to hear my name in a positive light. I don’t acknowledge you; I just nod and smile. If I’m in a good mood, I might grunt a word or two in your direction. But I steer clear of you and your energy. You are an infectious toxin.

Even when I’m not around, I hear you. You speak about me as if you know me; you sully my good name. Yet your speech and hate only make me stronger and more determined. You are calculating and cancerous.
When I’m around, you’ve got nothing to say. Your face is a smiling facade however the cringe around your mouth gives away the hate you hold within.

At times, you don’t even know that you are a hater, but I do. You start your sentences with “You can’t”, “You aren’t”, “You won’t”. You can’t believe that someone else would make the moves that you only dream about and are afraid to put into action.

Your hate is wasted on me. I’m immune. I-m hater-proof and built for success. Redirect your hate or even better, make a change in your thinking and become a positive person. Don’t be a hater all your life. You can stop today.

With all the respect that you deserve,

SM

I found this while reading what I call “the news.” I believe this particular article to be fake but I find it humorous. I read the Texts from Last Night, Epic Fail, and FML everyday for three reasons:

1) They make me laugh.
2) These sites let me know that our youth are failing at life because we have failed at life. There will be no social security available for me . We have screwed the youth and they are going to screw us back.
3) There is an app for that.

Last night I was chuckling at the above Epic Fail and my son asked me what I was laughing at. So I showed him. My son is admittedly homophobic; I have asked him about this and he has stated, “I live in Atlanta; I’m afraid one of those downlow brothers is going to abduct me.” It’s hard for me to defend his logic.

Given the homophobic nature of my son, he didn’t find the humor in the text immediately. He asked me why I found it funny. I explained that it was funny to me because if I discovered that my dad was gay, I would probably be in tears, shock, and emotional agony. This young lady could only think to use the situation for personal gain.

Stone peeped over his glasses and said “Well technically, he is not gay; he’s bisexual.” I look at my son and tell him that only women have the option to be bisexual. “A man who has put a dick anywhere near any orifice or in one’s hand is gay. There is no bisexual option for men. Women can be bisexual and I fully support them in that. One day you will too.”

My son’s response, “Can I put this on facebook?” I replied, “Absolutely not.”
I don’t want my parenting skills questioned by random people on the internet.